Don't Take It From Me

I serve up advice to my son on a regular basis. After all I am older than he is, more experienced. When it comes to school, cars, work, girls, sports, and just about anything else - old dad is the sage. At least I used to think so. As it turns out, my son may be better off following his own instincts. He got them from me too.



Case in point. Barbara and I have supplied our son with money to the extent he has not had to work. We did this because he played basketball. In high school his plate was full with basketball and studies. My thinking was basketball is good for him physically, emotionally, and socially. As much work as he did it was like a job. The coach was his boss and his team mates were his coworkers. I was satisfied he was learning good job skills and ethics which would ensure a successful career once he started working.



This year he started college and is not playing basketball. It became obvious to me and him that he needed to get a job. Lucky for him I am willing to share my immense fund of knowledge and wisdom with him. Too bad he does not realize what an opportunity he has with me around. Somehow he seems unmoved by my sage advice. John irritated me a bit. He was picky about where he wanted to work. I would make a suggestion, "I heard New Orleans Food and Spirits is hiring bus boys for $6.50 an hour. They are close to home and you could work your way up to cook if they like you. . ." John was unenthused, "I don't want to work in a restaurant." We would play the game of me making a suggestion and him telling me what is wrong with the idea. Often our conversations ended with me lecturing about all work is dignified, you can't have everything, a job is to make money, young people just have to do something, you shouldn't be so picky, you act like you are too good to work there. You get the general idea. "I don't want to work for minimum wage," he said. He went on to list other requirements he had. The job had to fit into his workout and social calendar.



Getting jobs has not been easy for me. An earlier post chronicles my first job in the psychiatric field. I have had to work from the bottom up. Therefore, John's choosiness grated on me. Rather than harp on the subject, I just let it go. I knew eventually he would realize his old man knew his stuff.



Between social engagements and pick up basketball games, John applied for a job at Circuit City. I did not give it much thought. The word on Circuit City was it was difficult to get a job there. I gave him some encouragement because he put out some effort, but offered no further lecture. Then about one week later, he got a call from Circuit City for an interview. The kid was excited. I schooled him on how to handle an interview. "Wear some nice clothes, look people in the eye, shake hands, speak up, speak clearly, have a pen with you, etc." My advice poured out like corner instructions at a boxing match.



He went to the interview and they hired him on the spot. He makes $9.00 an hour and has good hours - close to what he wanted to do. If he had taken my lame advice, he would be bussing tables for $2.50 an hour less. Lucky for him he blew off my advice.



I guess I am not as wise as I thought. I am proud of him for landing the better job. Maybe he can get me on down there. Birth is the child separating from the mother physically. As the child grows he/she becomes more and more independent. It seems obvious now that I should back up a little more. A parent teaches the child an awful lot and in return the child will teach the parent a thing or two. John is teaching me some things. A relationship is developing that is more equal than parent to child - it is man to man.



Until the next time

John Strain

John's Marital Conflict Primer

At sea level, water boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. The Pope is Catholic. Bears poop in the woods and married couples argue, fuss, and fight. Do any of these sound familiar?



Argument # 1:

Her: Do you think I am your maid or something?

Him: What are you talking about?

Her: I am talking about I do all the work around this place. I work, then when I get home I have to cook supper, then I have to clean the house. It never ends.

Him: Well, what do you want me to do?

Her: I shouldn't have to tell you what to do - you should be able to figure it out.

Him: Just tell me what you want me to do.

Her: Just forget it.



Argument # 2:

Her: (walks up to husband as he is watching a football game) What do you want me to fix for supper next week?

Him: I don't care, whatever.

Her: You never want to talk. I have to make all of the decisions.

Him: Can we talk about this later?

Her: What's wrong with now?

Him: The game is on.

Her: It's always the game. You love football more than you love me.

Him: No, these are the playoffs - we can talk later.

Her: Never mind.



Argument #3:

Her: (walks in the house holding a new pair of shoes)

Him: What the . . .did you buy more shoes?

Her: I need them for work.

Him: What's wrong with your other 200 pair?

Her: They aren't the right style.

Him: I'm living with Imelda Marcos.

Her: Women need more shoes than men.

Him: You are going to spend us into the poor house.



Barbara and I are both therapists so fortunately we never argue. The three examples were taken from my case notes. Actually, one cannot be a husband and a therapist to the same person. I get into enough trouble being a husband. If I were to attempt to also be a therapist it would amount to waving a red flag in front of a bull or holding up a sign with the words "slap me" on it.



To resolve conflict there must first be a foundation of like, love, and respect. If you like, love, and respect your partner you have the basic stuff needed to work through most any conflict.

Ten Tempest Taming Tips




1. Have a sense of humor: One of the quickest ways to end an argument is to start laughing. It is difficult to stay pissed off and unreasonable when your sides are splitting. There is an axiom: If it will be funny later it is funny now. The time between being angry and laughing about it can be compressed to the actual moment if you get good at this. Let's face it, many of our marital arguments are funny if not ridiculous. After the release of tension through laughter the conflict almost evaporates in an atmosphere of cooperation.



2. Have a sense of timing: Choose the proper time to discuss your problem. Barbara and I learned early in our marriage not to discuss anything "big" until after supper. We had a number of run ins before we realized our arguments were being fueled by our own end of the day fatigue. Now we put things off until we both feel like tackling the conflict. This raises the likelihood we will get it resolved.



3. Use "I" messages: "I" messages begin with the word "I". The alternative is to begin a sentence with the word "you". The problem with "you" statements is the listener often becomes defensive. In a conflict it is best to speak from your own point of view and not tell the other person what they are thinking or what their real motives are. Example: (I message) I would appreciate it if you would unload the dishwasher. (You message) You never unload the dishwasher.



4. Seek a win-win solution: If one person wins - both are winners. If one person loses - both are losers. Be willing to compromise and consider several possible solutions. Creativity is helpful. 99.9% of marital arguments or conflicts can end up with a "win-win" solution.



5. Allow your partner to have their own feelings: Every now and then I get mad. Especially if I cannot find something I am looking for. I may curse and slam things around in the process. Barbara used to get upset and raise her voice at me. Then I would raise mine back. Eventually she learned that me being angry had nothing to do with her. I could be angry and not be angry with her. Now she lets me rant. I get it worked out of my system and she just shakes her head.



6. Address one problem at a time: Introducing more problems before the first one is solved only confuses things. This tactic keeps an argument going but leaves problems unsolved. If you made a mistake, admit it - do not say something like, "well, I may have been late, but you never pick up your clothes."



7. Be patient: In conflict people sometimes feel an urgency to get their views out. If both parties feel this way it results in two people talking and no one listening. Take a deep breath. Listen to the other person. Your patience will reward you with knowledge to help you resolve the conflict.



8. Seek to understand then to be understood: If you try to first understand the other person, you gain valuable information and give them an opportunity to calm down. Often an argument is a simple misunderstanding. "Oh, we are saying the same thing - what are we arguing about then?"



9. Know what you want and ask for it: Don't play guessing games. If you want something, ask for it. Waiting for someone to read your mind is a long wait. Also, asking for what you want gives clear communication to the other party. A win-win solution can only happen if both parties know what they want. One has a better chance of getting what they want if they ask for it.



10. Understand your feelings are about you not about them: Your feelings are your stuff. They result from your thoughts and beliefs. If you are angry look for reasons other than - "he pissed me off." Instead ask yourself why did I get mad at that? What is it about "that" that bothers me?

With a foundation of like, love, and respect for your partner and an observance of these tips, your marital conflicts will improve. Give it a try.



Until the next time

John Strain

Accomplishment

How do you measure accomplishment? Do you focus on the end result only or do you factor in one's effort. It is easy to buy into views on success, achievement, and accomplishment that ignore effort. Women compare themselves to images of super models and find themselves lacking even though they may be at their ideal weight. Men feel they have to acquire great wealth or they are not good providers even though their family is comfortable. We pursue impossible dreams and feel we are failures if we miss our goal. Is this you?



In 1980, my step father nearly died because of a fast moving strep infection. He lived, but not before his leg had to be amputated. His recovery was long and slow at a Colorado army hospital. A typical day was spent in physical therapy. My mother watched men struggle to take a step or lift a 5 lb weight on the amputee ward. On a television in the therapy room she saw athletes preparing for the 1980 summer olympic games. The world class athletes struck quite a contrast to the handicapped men struggling to do what most take for granted.



Here is the poem she wrote about the experience:



Amputee Ward

Outside is a world who loves a winner.

How we applaud

Honor

Bedeck

Praise.



And rewards are great.

Promotions

Endorsements

Bonuses

A raise.



How differently we achieve here.

To sit up once more

One unsure step

To button

To drink

To swing a stump that was a leg.



And to feel the heady joy of

accomplishment

So innocent and pure

The angels bend low to watch.

---

Blog Update

Have you been wondering about Jack? The latest is he only stayed at the homeless shelter two days. The van driver told me Jack looked scared when he was let out at the shelter. There were about 50 homeless men waiting in line to get into the shelter. So Jack called his mother and he ended up in the group home I had taken him to a few days earlier. Jack continues to learn the hard way. For now, though he is safe.



Until the next time

John Strain

Feeding the Soul

For some reason I felt down today. Those who know me will be shocked. I never feel down. Folks count on me to be the funny guy, lifting others up. Today I took a bit of a break. I went through the motions of the day more subdued than usual. Maybe it is withdrawal from working on that DVD project. I had put every waking moment into that and now I am without a new goal. Too early for analysis though, I figure by tomorrow I will be back to my old self. When I came home this evening I started going through my usual routine, but stopped. I did not feel like going through the same old routine. My thought was I needed to break tendency to see if that might help.



So instead of watching the news or sitting at the computer I put my dog on his leash and walked out in the yard. Hobo was happy - he loves to go on walks, but this was a different kind of walk. I just ambled around my yard looking at the plants and trees. I really looked at them. I studied them and was rewarded with beauty that is there but often unnoticed. There is beauty all around us that only requires an open and focused mind to see. For instance, the sun shining on a cypress tree revealed a gradient of color from green to golden brown on its delicate foliage. I also noticed tiny yellow spheres in the foliage, I am guessing seeds. They were smaller than a BB. Another cypress tree had red sap leaking out of it - blood red. Some plants were winding down for fall and others sported new growth. My camellia bush already has buds on it and later this year or early next year it will treat me to some beautiful white flowers.



While I looked at the plants and noticed how the sun bounced light around my yard, Hobo happily sniffed and peed. I watched him and tried to understand his intent, but had no revelation - probably just being a dog. I listened to the birds singing their last songs before dusk. Then I sat in a swing under a big oak tree. I thought about how the tree was older than me. Like a posted sentry it has stood watch in this place since before my birth. Now it watches over me. In the summer it shades me. From now until May I will be raking its leaves giving me exercise and good mulch. The roots which protrude from the ground have a carpet of bright green moss between them. Running my hand over the moss I felt its soft coolness.



I watched the sun slip beyond the horizon and noticed as once vivid colors seemed to drain to black and white. But as the darkness slowly crept in around me a spark in my soul was kindled. A small portion of quiet time fed my soul - refreshed and renewed I walked inside.



That is one way to feed a soul. Other soul food comes in the form of music, art, or literature. Watching your child sleep or play will feed the soul. Maybe I starved mine out a bit, but breaking my routine gave me the opportunity to feed it.



Is your soul healthy or malnourished? Feed it regularly and often.



Until the next time

John Strain

Time

There are eighty-six thousand, four-hundred (86,400) seconds in a day. Bill Gates with his billions cannot purchase one more second for himself - we all have the same portion of time. We complain we do not have enough time. We become anxious when we are late. If we have too much time we get bored. If we waste time we feel guilty. Prisoners are doing time. We put our children in time out. Some look forward to better times. Others recall their past good times. Much money is spent on watches so we know what time it is. We are paid for our time. Time keeps ticking away. We are getting older. The world is changing. Our time is running out slowly not unlike Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz," whose time was measured by the witches hour glass.



Many problems are time related. Boredom, stress, impatience, even depression are problems of time. "I can't stand it." "I cannot take it anymore." These are statements of time problems. We tell ourselves "it will always be this way." This belief leads to feelings of depression and being trapped. We may not be able to control how much time we have, but we are able too control what we do with the time we are given.



The older I get I realize more and more how precious time is. There is always one more sunset, another rainbow, so many things to enjoy. Knowing time is running out gives me a certain urgency - not an anxiety or anything painful, but an awareness to savor the gift of the present. The present is all we have. Our memories fade into a foggy place where we can only recall vague images of times gone by. In our memories are the details of other lives lived. The college years, childhood, the summer vacation, a wedding, a deceased loved one fade with the years. Sometimes this is merciful. We forget the pain as we forget the event. It is always a part of us, influencing us in subtle ways.



Time can be a comedian. Some have not noticed time has passed and they still wear clothes as though they were younger. I have to remind myself time has passed and avoid playing one on one with my son. I usually wind up injured. I look at my son and see the gift of time he has. My father probably looked at me much the same way. Young people feel they have all of the time in the world. Little do they know it is only as much as a blink of the eye.



Three questions to ask yourself: (1) What is most important to you? (2) How much time do you devote to your answer for question one? (3) What do you want to do about?



Until the next "time"

John Strain