Growing up
I don't go through a full week without hearing the phrase,"Why don't you grow up?" directed toward me.
I think the question is rhetorical.
I will be 50 next March, so I am guessing I am about as grown up as I am going to be.
I used to send off for those gag gifts that were advertised in comic books. Do you remember the garlic gum, xray glasses, and whoopie cushions? I loved tricking people.
Once I bought a bunch of exploding matches. My dad smoked a pipe and there were always books of matches laying by his ash tray next to his easy chair.
I plopped down a book of the trick matches and waited for the fun. When he did strike the loaded match, it almost scared him to death. It was a small wonder the house didn't go up in flames, because he dropped the match.
I joke around so much, I can never be the one who breaks any big news. No one believes me.
On April Fools Day, Barbara got me. The thing is, I fool people all the time, so I don't think April Fools Day is that big of a deal.
Anyway, I was drinking a cup of coffee with Bear in the kitchen. Barbara walks in and says, "John, there's something wrong with the washer."
In retrospect, her overacting should have been a tip off. She said it like she just discovered a tumor. I was proud of myself. I did not unleash a string of curse words or anything like that. I calmly walked up to the washer, messed with the knob, and it worked.
I only got to gloat about 2 seconds before Barbara said, April Fools. Then she had a good laugh on me. Here I thought I just fixed the washer.
Har har.
I guess I just can't abandon certain skills I worked so hard to perfect. Can you belch complete sentences? Can you make fart sounds with your hand under your arm? I spent long hours learning these talents.
If I use the last of the wrapping paper, the tube becomes a sword. The dog better run and so should anyone else within my blade's reach.
I do the same thing with paper towel rolls, but they are more like knives. Toilet paper rolls are only good for musical instruments.
I guess all those years of Bugs Bunny cartoons, Mad Magazine, and the Three Stooges did something to me. Thank goodness it happened too. When people tell me to be a grown up, I think they want me to be more like them - real GROAN ups.
It ain't going to happen. I hope you will join me in not acting your age. It is pretty fun and doesn't hurt anyone.
So the next time you shake hands with someone, do it with a hand buzzer and see how much fun you have. Observe the look on the face of your mark when he/she sits on the whoopee cushion, and look for the lighter side of life.
We are all going to die anyway, we might as well have a few laughs first.
Until the next time
John Strain