Tuesday
Jul202004
Tuesday, July 20, 2004 at 12:01PM
Girlie Men
The latest name calling furor was set off by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. He referred to legislators caving to the special interest groups as "girlie men." The anticipated cries and whines from some are already flying around. The offended are demanding he should apologize to women and gays.
A recent John Kerry fund raiser featured Whoopi Goldberg engaging in tasteless name calling aimed at President Bush. This behavior offended conservatives and calls were made for Goldberg to apologize and for Kerry to renounce her words.
I remember the advice my mother gave me when I came whining to her because someone called me a name. "Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never harm you," she said. I did not quite understand what that meant then. I was more disappointed she did not go down the street and set things to my version of "right." As time passed, other adults gave me the same advice. Eventually us kids gave the advice to each other. "Sticks and stones" was accepted wisdom and the way to deal with someone calling you names.
Not long ago, some people changed the phrase I learned in childhood. The new version is something like, "sticks and stones can break your bones, but words are much more horrible. Anyone who offends you should apologize immediately and be sued to teach them a lesson. You should never have to tolerate a contrary opinion or be called a name by anyone." I have had time to consider both versions of "sticks and stones" and I really think the version I learned as a child is the better of the two.
The original version of "sticks and stones" is empowering. I learned only the words "I believe" can harm me. If I chose not to accept them, then they do not harm me. The later version of "sticks and stones" empowers the name caller. The victim cannot rest until an apology is offered. This is a set up for an emotional upset if I ever saw one. If your happiness depends on the behavior of others, prepare to be unhappy a lot.
My mother also told me, if I acted like the names were bothering me, they would just keep calling me by them. The way to stop that behavior is not to reward them by getting upset. It worked too. Did any of you tell the teacher or have your mother come to the school to try to stop the name calling? Of course not. Even as children we knew the best way to extinguish the name calling was to turn a deaf ear to it.
Should people call names? No. Do people call names? Yes. Do you have the choice to be bothered by the names or ignore them? Yes.
The articles I browsed on this topic seem to fall into two camps. One body believes the old "sticks and stones" and the other believes words are quite harmful. They say they lead to hate crimes and violence. They suggest programs for teaching sensitivity and prattle on in a quite serious tone.
I tired long ago of all the offense people seem to take at the least little thing. Even if it were a bigger thing, so what? If we temper language to the point all expression must not offend anyone, our dialogue will be without passion and feeling. We should make less of an individual word and try to understand "what" the person is trying to say. Instead, many "lie in wait" to pounce on an out of context word. They miss the entire point altogether, and try to bully the speaker into taking back the offending word.
Arnold was talking about gutless legislators when he used the term "girlie men." He was not trying to offend women and gays. I hope he does not cave to any pressure and offer an apology. To do so would only reward the whiners. Oops, I called them whiners, I hope I did not offend them.
In a society with a right to free speech, it sure seems we have a lot of restrictions.
I am not advocating we call more names, but I do suggest we return to the wisdom of our childhood, "sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can never harm us - unless we let them."
Until the next time
John Strain