Friday
Nov142003
Friday, November 14, 2003 at 5:18AM The Male Member
Men like to brag about their member. They often reference their appendage to better express confidence, anger, desire, and many other emotions and life circumstances. I do it and my wife usually shakes her head and says something like, "that's all you think about." My rebuttal is, "I think about football too." Men are often depicted as crude oafs. "Guilty your honor." Sometimes it is fun being a crude oaf, especially if I can get a (pardon the pun) rise out of my wife. One woman said "a man is an appendage on a penis." She may be right. Whatever the case, all of this talk, jokes, and references about the wee wee is widespread. A Google search of the word "penis" returned 26,700,000 hits. The male member has been referenced for thousands of years. Would you like some proof? How about Priapus, the Greek god of fertility. I remember making something similar out of clay in the third grade and boy, did I get in trouble. The Romans used Priapus as a scarecrow in their gardens. The medical condition priapism which is a sustained and painful erection derives its name from this well endowed god. Need more proof? Have you seen the movie Braveheart? If you did you may recall the battle scene where the Scottish army raised their kilts toward the English in a rousing display of disrespect. Any man standing at a urinal knows how to respond if the man at the next urinal makes the statement, "this water is cold." Out of reflex he says, "yeah, and it's deep too." It is a way to bond. I suppose it would be easier to walk up to a stranger and say, "I am a crude oaf, are you?" I might note here, that it is viewed appropriate to do the "water is cold and deep" bit with a stranger, but it is considered poor form to make direct comments about your neighbor's talleywhacker. For example, one should not say to his urinating neighbor something like, "say your penis is looking very nice this evening." For those still confused, the best advice I can give is the less said the better.
Sigmond Freud's theory involves the penis. Comedians joke about it. Males compare them from boyhood to adulthood. The methods of comparison change from actually whipping them out and measuring them as boys to buying big cars, boats, and TV's as men. Women just shake their heads, but before you ladies get too self-righteous what is the deal with breast augmentation. I guess size matters to women and men alike.
Since the male member has been celebrated throughout history, what harm can I be doing by making a comment about mine every now and then. Am I the only one who held a banana, cucumber, broomstick, or baseball bat as though it were my member? When I worked at Red Lobster, we had this big white high pressure hose we sprayed the floor with at night. One night I observed one of my coworkers straddle the hose and hold it as if it were his johnson. I looked at him and said, "yeah Smith, you wish yours was that big." To which he retorted, "I could make mine that big." I bit, "how?" "Fold it in half," he said. I laughed hard at that one. I still use the joke today.
Once at the hospital we were discussing weird tattoos. One nurse said she once had a patient who had the words "love gun" tattooed on his weenie. I told her I had once considered having a word tattooed on my appendage. "What were you going to have written on it?" she asked inquisitively. Without batting an eye I responded, "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." Somehow she knew I was kidding. Then I thought she was laughing a little too hard. I did not say what font size I was going to use. Maybe 18 point, would you believe 9, how about 2? Oh well, it is not important.
Speaking of size I was once running with my training partner Neal in Folsom on one of our long runs. We began the long runs while it was still dark to avoid the summer heat. Not far into the course, Neal had to stop to pee. We were standing in near pitch black on a deserted country road. A slow realization sunk in, an odd sound like an electric fan. I moved toward the sound in an attempt to identify this phenomenon. It turned out to be a hollow tree full of bees. There must have been zillions of them. Fortunately, Neal finished taking his leak and we were on our way without the bees taking notice. Discussing the averted disaster, Neal said, "man, I am lucky I did not end up with a million bees on my bird." I quickly responded, "I don't think there is that much room on your bird, do you?" Neal adjusted his bee count to 5 or 6, but that would still have hurt like hell.
A female friend once told me she felt cheated because she did not have a weenie. Her reason was that the absence of a member prohibited her from some of the prime cursing combinations. She, for instance, when angry, could not tell someone to "suck her you know what." Substituting a body part she did have, just did not convey the same message. When trying to express certainty for instance, she could not say, "I would bet my left nut I am right. . ." I listened to her and agreed with her, but what can you do? She is not alone in her desire for additional equipment. My friend Claude, who is also a therapist, was telling me about a session he had with a father and his 16 year old daughter. The session began to get heated and the girl continuing to escalate blurted out to her father, "you can SUCK MY DICK!!!" She said it loudly. Claude and the stunned father looked at each other as if to say, "did she say what I think she said???" I do not know how Claude handled this situation, but I think it ended by cracking them all up.
If I haven't lost you yet, you may enjoy these little bits of humor. They are some of my favorite jokes about big Jim and the twins.
Joke # 1
Q: What is the difference between your paycheck and a male sex organ?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Joke # 2
A guy walks into my office and says, "can I use your dictaphone?" I said, "hell no, you've got to use your finger like everyone else.
Happy Friday gang
Big John
