Tuesday
May252004
Tuesday, May 25, 2004 at 6:19AM
Values Exercise
Yesterday, I asked you to make a list of the 10 things which were most important to you. The list could include people, things, concepts, and anything you deem important. If you did not do this, take a moment and make one now. Do this exercise when you have a few minutes. If you hurry through, it will have less meaning.
I will alter the exercise a bit for this venue. If I were talking to a group, I would be more detailed and elaborate with the scenario. However, if you take it seriously, the results will be the same.
Suppose you are on an airplane heading for Hawaii with your closest friends and family. You can be traveling with anyone you like. Let that image soak in. Feel the excitement of going on vacation. What will you do first once you arrive? Go to the beach? Rest in the hotel? Don't worry about money, everything is taken care of - all expenses are paid for one week.
As you settle in to your seat thinking about the fun you are going to have, the pilot comes on the intercom and announces the plane is having some engine problems. Things should be fine, but you need to give up one item on your list to keep the plane airborne.
Cross one item off of your list.
The crisis is past and you again begin to relax. You are thinking about your life and how many things you have done. Another adventure awaits you in Hawaii with your friends. Just as you are completely relaxed again, the pilot addresses the passengers once again. Bottom line is the plane will crash unless everyone crosses one more item off of their list.
Cross a second off of your list.
After another hour or so listening to the rhythmic hum of the jet engines you notice the noise change. They begin to cut out and sputter. Soon the engines are completely shut down. In a strange silence, the plane continues to glide and lose altitude quickly. If you are going to make it into one of the life boats when the plane hits the water you will need to cross item three off of your list.
Cross a third item off of your list.
Each time you cross an item off of your list, you are doing so to stay alive. It is either die or live on without whatever thing you choose to live without. At this time, you have seven items left. Suddenly the life boat is surrounded by sharks. They are big ones and threaten to swamp your small craft. The only way to get rid of the sharks and stay alive is to give up one more item.
Cross a fourth item off of your list.
The sharks are gone now and you float in the life boat for a couple of days. You are hungry and thirsty. The sun has burned your skin. You feel the life begin to slip away from you. Without food and water you will surely die in the life boat. Food and water is available and you can save yourself, but you must cross one more item off of your list and it will be gone forever.
Cross a fifth item off of your list.
You are strong again. There is plenty of food and water to sustain you. Aloe has soothed your sunburn. Strength has returned to you. Hope wells up inside, there is an undeniable feeling growing that you will be rescued. Then you hear something. At first, you are not even sure you hear anything at all, but soon you know the sound is a helicopter. Rescue is near and eventually the hovering helicopter lowers a basket for you. To enter the basket and be rescued, you must cross one more item off of your list.
Cross a sixth item off of your list.
You are almost home. In order to return home safely you must cross one more item off of your list.
Cross a seventh item off of your list.
What do you have left? Which three items remain? These three things are what are most important to you. Now ask yourself. If someone were to observe your life, would it be obvious to them these three things are what you value most? How much of your time, energy, and money do you put into these three things? Is it proportionate to the importance you ascribed them? What are your thoughts and feelings after taking this exercise? Do you feel you need to make any changes?
I used this exercise when I worked with men who had been arrested for spousal abuse. They were court ordered to attend my class. We would have fun with the above scenario, but as they had to wrestle with sacrificing items, the class grew quieter and more serious. They were truly thinking about life without their valued things. At times, a man might choose to die. "I cannot imagine living without X or Y," they would say, "and so they would perish." People make these choices in life all of the time. A soldier who throws himself on a live grenade puts the survival of his buddies above his own life. Parents often sacrifice for their children.
Back to the abusers. Almost always, the men would wind up with their family in the top three items. I would ask the hard questions. You say your children are your most valued thing, do your actions bear this out? You say your wife is what you value most, yet you hit her, how do you explain this?
I did not have to connect the dots for these men. They knew their words and actions were often out of sync. I could just tell them something like this. You know Bob, if you value your family at all, you will not scream and belittle your wife. You won't do it in front of the children either. You wouldn't spend a lot of your money on drinking and carousing. If we were to look at your actions and not your words, we would say you value anger and alcohol. I could say that,, but it would not have the impact this exercise would. Often times, men would leave in silence as though just hit between the eyes with a post mal. The next week often brought changed men back to the group.
Granted, the class dealt with a lot more than just this exercise. This came later on in the class, but it had impact. The men and sometimes women in the class were confronted with a contradiction of word and deed. "If I say I value something, how can I live in such a way?" This question would gnaw at them and often be the catalyst for change.
I have always done this exercise in a group setting. I am not sure if it will translate in this setting. Let me know what you thing. How did you experience this exercise?
Until the next time
John Strain